That Day Is Here Again!

12.21.1995

This would be the date I hate most in my entire living life!... On this day, I lost someone dear to me, someone precious, a friend, a loved ones, the person who understands me the most... How I wish in a year we would skip this date and just move on.... I despise it and there is no other words that can describe my feelings at the moment... Tears didnt stop running down my cheek... it just keeps pouring like the wet weather we have here in Sabah.

Papa is someone who is very much stern yet flexible, firm yet understanding, strict yet gentle. A real gentleman and someone whom if not my father I would easily fallen for... He would be there for me no matter in what situation I would be in... He would right me if Im wrong... He would protect me and see through me... Someone who is so brilliant, so lovable, full of sense of humour.

Myocardial Infarction -- would be another word I hate most too! Due to that I've lost him... due to that miserable illness he's gone in a wink of an eye...

I guess no one will ever understand what am I going through at the moment... on this particular day... not even my siblings. Not even my own mother. This mixed confusing feelings I have on this day just drives me up the wall... I really really DONT WANT to have today!

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Dear F,

Hello again... it's been approximately 15 yrs and I still can hear your voice ringing in my head clearly... I just wish you are here with me.. there are many things to tell, many things to show, many things to share with you...

I havent been feeling well the past week and I want you to cook for me, to hold me and say that everything will be alright and that you would be by my side forever to care and love me... But sadly, you are not... sadly I can no longer hold you... sadly, you are no longer within my reach..

I missed you so much... I dont know how else can I say it..
How are you there? are you doing ok? are everything nicer than here? I wish to see you even in my dreams... Its hard to see you anymore. I have your picture but the image of you fading away sometimes and it scares me.

Dear F,
You would know how to treat me to better when Im sick.. my likes and dislikes... how to make me laugh when Im under the weather... I missed all that... I really do...

Girl² did visit you the past 2 days.. she is all grown up now.. Ery is with wife and kids ... Mom, well she is still in Saudi-- working... can you see us all? please keep us safe and be with us all the time... Im graduating soon and trying my level best to have a better career. Please guide me through and send some of your courage and strength to me... You have always been the brain in the family and I have adored you so much for that too...

Seems like the more I write , the heavier the tears rolling down... I will write soon..
I thought of being strong and never losing my self control but when it comes to you -- its a total failure... so tonight papa I just wanna cry...

I love you, I miss you
Love always
K