Do you still remember your first crush that you had on that special someone? Perhaps at that time you are still young and innocent and dont really know the meaning of crush even. I remembered mine very clearly...
The first ever crush i had was when I was 12. That's the first ever time someone as young as Him shouted "I Love You!" to me.. and from that I build this sense of romantic sides of me. Which is of cause right up till now. Amazing how sometimes you cant forget things from the past that easily... and it stuck like a glue no matter how much you wanna erase that memories.
We are sitting for final exams entering junior high at that time. He wasnt the most good looking guy in school. He is rather quiet and just mixed around with his group of friends. I can still remember clearly what happened. But he is the student head and our class is just next to one another.
I still remember I never actually paid any attention to guys mostly cause to me they are all big bullies and all they know is just to irritate the hell out of me and my friends. Thats why I would never want to see them eye to eye whenever we talk or go easy on them. Especially when there's group meeting or something like that.
But, if Im not mistaken, what makes me gave him a second look is that one particular day, I wasnt feeling well that day and boys in my class was creating problems and disrupting the entire student while most of the lecturer was in an urgent meeting. Each class prefect would be incharge to guard their class while him and his assistant would go around to double check on the students.
Knowing what is happening in my class and that I cant handle them, he appeared out of no where and yelled! Whoa that's the first ever time I heard him so loud but yet there's certain gentleness in his eyes still. Our eyes met ... I never actually stared and looked into those lovely eyes before... Gosh at that time I dont know whether Im a student or an adult but I can tell ya that my heart skipped a beat! He walked towards me and Susan (another friend who is incharged to take control of the class) and firmly told us to take charge or else the rest of the classmates of ours would definitely steps on our head. He was firm yet so gentle... I cant clearly make that out... what is that.. the sudden surge in my blood that is so weird... after I snapped back to reality when Susan nudges me, my Ego kicks in! Not wanting him to labelled me as no being responsible or anything along that line, I answered him back! This time Im making sure that I am firm in what Im saying and that I wont be looking directly into those dreamy eyes. He stared and was taken aback a little then decided he would hang around there for a little while and the class calmed down.
He sat right opposite of us at the tutor's place and I refuses to return to my place since my seat is directly opposite of that.. so I swapped my seat with a girl right behind me and next to Susan. Susan was telling me something at that time but I was deep in my own thought and trying to figure out what is happening to me.
Then he stood up and walk around the room while some of the students doing their own stuffs... some are reading, or talking and sleeping... I cant focused my mind and decided to just wlak out a little and take a breather.
As I walked out of the classroom and stand just at the end of the balcony, I noticed someone is following and to my suprised its him. He was just looking at me and didnt say anything nor did I. We just stand there and just trying not to be angry or agitated by one another I guess... But honestly, that doesnt help with my head full of many questions and thoughts. I turned and wanting to head back to class when he told me he's sorry! I was startled! I just turn away and walk back to the class. That is as far as I remember the first ever time I gave him a second glance.
Afterwards, as days passedby, he seems to be passing by my class very so often. Makes me curious and yet makes me happy too.. its a mixed feelings which I cant explain... I dont know if this is going to make sense but that is what I felt at that time... curious yet happy...
Hmmm thinking back on it.. even when the school ended I would imagine he would be still hanging around to just see me or something... (hey im just a kiddo at that time) ... I told my father about it and he laughed his heart out saying that I finally had my first Crush and Curiousity on boys! I really didnt understand what he meant by that so I just let it flyby.
I cant remember what happen much afterthat, what I do remember as days goes by suddenly at times when we met we would step on each other's shoe and it became an obsessions to do that each and everytime we passed each other. That's crazy and it goes on for months. I guess that's one way how feelings can be developed.
Months passedby and it's the end of the year. And its our final year and most of the student are required to come up with performances for the very last time to bid goodbye to the tutors and fellow schoolmates. I was assigned to sing and recite a poem..
I still remember I was wearing a yellow leopardy designed dress knee length and as I walked up to the stage everyone was applausing and my eyes somehow searching where could he be. The poem that I wrote is basically about us... I called it The Silence... I do remember I have that poem in my journal (I shall look for it once im back home)... and after that I sang a song...Sukiyaki. Halfway through the song I noticed he was standing at the back of the hall by the entrance looking and smiling and dear lord my heart was jumping joyously... Eventhough not much words exchanged between us but we can feel the chemistry that boils... I really cant elaborate but that's that.. there is definitely something there... But knowing me who rather not wanting to let my ego down... after I walked down the stage I immediately walked towards my class which is located on the third floor... before I could reach the stair he was blocking my way... i looked at him with that big question mark on my face... WHY? ... Tried to pass but he blocked it again... I got irritated.. i pushed him a little and ran up to the first flight of staircase and he managed to grab hold of my hand saying that he has something to say....
I was so nervous at that time... No boy has hold my hand like such... I was struggling to let it go... he tighten his grip and asked me to just listen to what he is about to say... I refused toand give him another push... ran up almost half a flight of the staircase when he shouted "Kay.... I Love You!" .... dear me.. its like a movie... I was stunned and couldnt move... tears started rolling down my cheeks without knowing the reason why... I guess the words just gave such an impact that it frozen me and turns me into a crybaby .... i then just sit on the stairs and he moved and sat next right to me... He hold my hands and started to confess how much he care and love me and that he knows that we are young to be having such feelings but that is just how he felt about me and he cant lie to himself anymore. Plus we wont know where are we to be in Junior high. He looked into my eyes and without any prior notice a gentle kiss landed on my forehead... My heart almost stop! He hugged me and told me that he has been dreaming of that precise moment many many months.
After awhile, my tears subsided and we just come to our senses and talk about many things... few of our classmates passedby and just give us that approving looks and big smiles. What?!?!? They knew something that I dont (that is what i thought to myself)
Almost time to end the fiesta and head back home, He then break another sad news... he told me he's to follow his mother abroad and he is leaving the following week which is like in 2 days at that time... I was speechless... I cried again and he just hold me there... We walked hand in hand until I saw a black mercedes arrived and a lady stepped out of it... He introduces me to his mother! She is such a gentle person and told me that He has told her about his feelings towards me and wanting to gave us her blessing... so we exchanged numbers and emails and addresses...
We did manage to contact one another for several years... but I dont know what happen (or perhaps because I moved) we've lost contact with one another. Till today, I am still looking for him... I remember clearly how he looks like and Im sure he wont changed much... I just hope god will answer my prayer...
To Him...
If you think you are this person, I just hope that wherever you are, you are in a pink of health and that you do remember me once in a while... I never regretted what happen to us cause You have helped me to mature in life. You play an important role in first moulding my heart into such a gentle yet firm person when it comes to the matter of heart eventho I know Ive changed alot over the years. Since it has been years, I do hope you found your happiness and you are pursuing your dreams... As I mentioned before we parted, If we are meant to be together no matter where, how, or even on death bed - we surely will meet again... I alway have that believe and I always keep that in mind. Thank you for teaching me a lot of things. Thank you for being sincere. Thank you for opening up to me. But most importantly, thank you for loving me...
Sincerely,
-K-
Well that is the story of my first crush which I still remember till today... the part of my life story which I cant and probably wont erase from my diary of life till the day I die... I dont know if this would make me a bad or good or uncertain person but I am who I am and I just hope I wont walk down the wrong path and hurt anyone. Love is definitely blind and sometimes comes unexpectedly... knocking...
Cheers
-K-
